Commandments for Policians
Who Art Babykissers
Knowest
thou that the art of kissing babies is an ancient
and
respected
form of communication
that the unheralded chroniclers of political
history traceth to the city of Enoch which was
named after Enoch, the first son of Adam and
Eve.
Knowest
that in the days of Cain there came forth four
flushers who wouldst flush the birds of
the air rather than worketh the oxen of the fields.
And ‘tis
known from the winds of the trees, the birds of the air, the snakes in the
grass, and other well-informed sources that one of the four flushers didst
seek the praise and approval of Cain and Cain’s wife.
Though
his name is joyously lost to history, it wast
he, the first of the four flushers,
who didst kiss the Baby Enoch who was the light
of the eyes of Cain
and Cain’s wife. The first of the four flushers didst gain a favored
place at the table of Cain’s household. He giveth not but receiveth
much; he sayeth not but speaketh much; he worketh not but appeareth to worketh
much.
He took unto himself the cloak of a Politician.
Knowest
that anyone canst kiss babies but only a Politician
canst
kiss babies in manifold numbers
and gaineth the votes of mothers. If thou wouldst
reap
the fruits of baby kissing, thou shouldst abide by the wisdom of generations
of political puckerers.
- Thou shouldst not kiss a baby unless thou
first asketh permission of the baby’s
mother. If the mother responds with a smile,
thou shouldst
firmly but gently picketh up the baby with
caution and smiling reverence. Then thou shouldst
kiss
the baby gently on one cheek.
- Whatsoever thou doest, thou shouldst not
kiss a baby who mother stands taller and
broader than thee, who giveth only marginal
permission,
and who holdeth the baby in a firm clutch.
For verily, thou wilt gain no vote by vigorous
grapples, tugs, and pulls at a well-clutched
baby.
- Thou shouldst not kiss a baby until thou
hast appraised the face of the baby. If it
is clean, thou should kiss the baby’s
cheek, gaze smilingly into its eyes, and returneth
it
to the mother.
- Thou shouldst not kiss the face of a baby
whose nose blubbereth or whose face beareth
the dry marks of past blubbereths, for such
kisses
canst lead thee to post-nasal drip and blubbering
speeches. Thou shouldst giveth such babies
near-kisses over the tops of their heads, and
smilingly declareth
them to be cute.
- Thou shouldst not kiss babies whose swaddling
clothes art overly damp or otherwise fulsome
inasmuch as thou mayest foul they shaking
hand or marketh they clothing.
- Thou shouldst not drop babies thou art kissing,
for surely, dropped babies will gain thee
no votes.
- Thou shouldst not publicly kiss babies who
art near or recently past the age of puberty.
James H. Boren
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